Horror Fitness

Okay some might think this will be one of my typical rants about how I suck and I'm god awful slow out of shape 150lb behemoth but no.  Although all those previous adjectives are true.  This is about movie horror fitness.  I was watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning on Friday and thought of this little topic.

I watch tons of horror films as seen by my previous statement.  I've seen all the Chainsaw Massacres.  This one was pretty good and really put things together nicely with the previous franchise redo, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It had all the same faces from that one including R. Lee Ermey who is quite good in both of the movies.  Not Full Metal Jacket great but good.. I've seen all the Friday the 13th and even noticed there's a new one coming out this spring.  I suffered through all of the Nightmare on Elm Streets including the later ones.  I made it through all of the Halloweens even Rob Zombie's reboot and he's doing part 2 soon I hear.

So as I was watching Leatherface running after a victim in the movie, I thought I wonder how fast he can run.  It looked like he was doing 8s.  Then I started to compile a list of horror killers, the requirements must've be an actual person(sortof) and have at least 3 movies.  This rules out Candyman with just 2 movies for instance and Chucky from Child's Play doesn't count because he was a doll.  Here's my list: the aforementioned Leatherface, Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers, Jigsaw(he was in 3 1/2 of the 5 movies), Pinhead, The Tall Man, and maybe Ghost Face from Scream.  The problem with the Scream killer was he/she was different in all 3 movies so I'm not sure it counts.

So let's break it down..

Leatherface:  He's quite a big fella and was moving pretty good in this last movie and not so fast in some of the others.  I'm still thinking he's about 8 minute pace guy.  He makes up for that pace by being able to wield a large chainsaw while running that pace.

Jason:  He really seems to be able to do some serious trail running.  I'm not going to count we he was revived in the future with nanobots and became bionic Jason.  He ran mostly with a machette and sometimes an ax.  I'm thinking he ability to catch co-eds in the forest quickly puts him about 7:30s on the open road.  Speaking of running co-eds here's a great Nike commercial:




Now Jason's build would make him a decent triathlon athlete but he can't swim and water is his kryptonite.  So no triathlon for him.

Freddy: He's one of the leanest and wimpiest looking of all the horror killers.  This makes him the perfect distance runner.  Of course, he's in the dream world and can basically do anything even outrun Gebrselassie.  Before being whisked off to nightmare land to terrorize folks, he probably was able to run pretty good.  He did have to catch kids to bring them back to that warehouse.  I'm thinking he's one of the most natural runners based on his body composition.  On top of that he's smart and would be able to execute a race plan, push the pace early, cover the moves, let someone else lead. Now for my time estimate, I'm thinking sub 7s without training.

Michael Myers:  He can move as seen by him jumping onto the station wagon in the first movie.  I'm thinking he's a little faster than Jason but not much maybe 7:15 mile pace.  Still not lightening fast.  He's got a similar build as Jason but not the fear of water so he could probably excel in triathlons.

Jigsaw(killer in the Saw movies): He's tall and in the first movie was able to outrun that young detective after being shot in the leg.  I'm thinking he's pretty fast at 7 minute pace.  He probably competed in local runs as a cancer patient to help raise money for cancer.  Think about it, he needs some relief from building all those elaborate death traps.

Pinhead: Another lean and mean guy who could probably bust out some decent mile times.  He was in the war so he probably was able to move fairly fast carrying a full pack and gun.  He mostly glides/floats as Pinhead except in Hellraiser 2 where he's walking down the street.  Unlike Freddy, I think he's uncoachable.  He's too arrogant to take any direction.  I'm thinking he's a 8 minute guy just not able to live up to his potential.

The Tall Man: He's one of the main killers in the Phantasm franchise.  I don't remember much of the movies but I don't think he ran at all.  He had these metallic death balls do his bidding.  However, he is tall and based on such a long stride length it wouldn't take much for him to move.  He's the oldest in our list at what I would estimate 60s.  I'm saying 8:30s.

Ghost Face(Scream franchise): Again technically not really in the same league as the previous killers because there were different people under the mask each movie and even multiple people in the same movie.  These killers seem to be the fastest in our list though as they were moving in full sprints at some points.  Interval training at its best.  I'm guessing sub 7s were doable for most of these killers.

I really hope I haven't missed any key killers for the list.  I'm going to have to give Freddy the nod here as the fastest of the bunch.  You definitely want to be trained up if you came up against Freddy in a horror movie.

Tomorrow more horror fun...fashion!